A Letter About Control

Many of you, who have been to higher levels of eating disorder treatment or are currently working with an individual therapist have likely been given the “homework” to write a letter to your eating disorder.  So, this will not be a foreign concept; although I wrote my goodbye letter to my eating disorder over 15 years ago. Now, I am writing a letter about control.  

Control is such an interesting and common topic.  If you have worked with me individually, we have definitely talked about control.  It is something we want.  It is something we think we have.  It is something we grasp on to and it is something that makes us feel better when we think we have it.  I am here to spread some news… this is an illusion.  The older and more mature I become, the more I realize that I really don’t have control over much of anything.  I don’t control other people’s hearts, emotions, words, or actions.  I don’t control my partner’s motivations or outlook on life.  I don’t control my daughter’s tantrums, the friends she is drawn to, or her food preferences.  I don’t control my next career opportunity, how many clients come through our doors, or who is going to choose me for their consultation needs.  This might sound depressing, but for me it has actually been liberating.

Through my own therapy, I have come to recognize that I am a sum of many different parts; not just one single part.  I have a childlike part that becomes small, scared, and fragile-feeling when I hear loud yelling.  I have a teenager who is wild and independent and can be quite loud and outspoken when she feels ignored, humiliated, or mistreated. I have a boot straps part who will pull up her pants, outwork anyone, and just GET it DONE, no matter how much self-sacrifice it requires.  And I have a control part who feels safe and secure with a clean house, a well-behaved child, shaved legs, and a full case load.  Now, these are all good things, but if this part is in the driver’s seat these things have likely occurred because there is a level of rigidity and dysregulation coercing them into existence. I am proud to say, through my own work, that I am now able to very quickly recognize when this part is present and take action.  Instead of ignoring this part or shoving her off, I will say something like this:

“Wow, okay, I hear you and I see you.  I understand that you are feeling that it is very necessary to be here right now.  I feel that you want to take over, take care of things, and make sure we are all okay.  And I appreciate you!  You have served me so well in the past and you have really allowed my life to have a semblance of control and safety.  However, I am older now and I know that I don’t actually have control over the things you are desiring control over.  I am asking you to take a step back and breathe, so that my more mature and grounded parts can step in.”  

Some may say this is woo-woo.  Others may say I sound nuts.  But this works for me!  It allows the grace and self-compassion that grounds me, it allows that part of me to be seen and heard, and it creates an immense amount of self-awareness, which is where change happens. 

Are you struggling with control or rigidity?  If you are an adult human living in this crazy world, I bet I can answer that question without even speaking to you. If you’re not sure, some ways that you might recognize control is actually controlling you include:

• Rigidity around your schedule, food choices, or exercise

• An obsession with controlling the size or shape of your body 

• Daily debilitating anxiety

• Internal chaos when things do not go as planned

• Dysregulation, fear or anxiety when someone in your life does not act the way you feel they should

• A feeling of “I could jump out of my skin” when something is out of place or cluttered 

Here are some ways to challenge this desire for tight control:

• Internal reflection!  Ask yourself:

  • Is this just a part of me wanting control?

  • How old is this part?

  • How has this part served me in my life before 

• Allow the anxiety or dysregulation to be AND take care of yourself (deep breathing, a walk, temperature change, call a friend, etc.) 

• Allow that part of you to control one thing that is more harmless (i.e. clean out that closet, vacuum your car, sort the mail, pay the bills, etc.) 

I cannot close out this letter without pointing out the things we DO have control over.  In my 39 years, here is what I have learned I can control or at least have a say in: 

• Allowing myself to feel and experience my emotions

• Taking care of my needs when emotions are high

• My actions when emotions are high

• My spiritual life and what I believe in 

• Whether I live in constant chaos or choose to gain the skills necessary to take care of myself 

• Deciding that I am worth doing the work for

• Forgiving what I cannot forget 

I hope this letter is helpful for some.  I welcome the opportunity to keep talking about this topic, as there is nuance in everything :)